It is nearly Valentine’s Day. The day on which Clinton Cards can justify its existence and young hopefuls shower their prospective squeezes with sentiments so far outside of their normal range of speech, taste and experience that it leaves one gasping for all the wrong reasons.
There are some beautiful, tasteful cards available, but many are unforgivably soppy or distastefully vulgar. And let me tell you now, if anyone sent me a Valentine that had kittens or teddies on it (unless it was done with a hefty dollop of irony) I would be sick in a bucket – and then send them the card back in the bucket. With a pink ribbon round it.
Better still, make a card yourself, take the time and effort to make something special. The Father of my Children, being an artist, used to paint the most beautiful cards (for all occasions) and I treasure them still because they were made just for me.
But never send a card anonymously. Actually, never do anything anonymously. What’s the point? Give a clue, give a hint, but if you’re too timid to sign it, you don’t deserve them anyway.
Neglectful husbands purchase overpriced chocolates and clichéd flowers in the hope of reviving their sex lives, and downtrodden wives will kill their husbands if they don’t get a card as a minimum requirement whilst hoping against hope that they might just get one from a secret admirer who will take them away from all this. If they did, their husband might actually get laid.
Where is the true romance? Where are the love letters written on beautiful paper in elegant handwriting? Where are the spontaneous flowers given on an un-named day in June because you know he will be delighted? How many times do women buy beautiful flowers for men anyway? And where are the chaste yet passionate moments at railway stations?
Gone to hell in a handcart.
I will share with you my favourite ever Valentine – apposite, direct – received in the 80s when I was very politically active.
Labour is Red
Tories are Blue
But I am a Liberal
Can I sleep with you?
The answer was, of course, …..