"Let's steal Daryll's bathing suit and say she's a lesbian!" shrieked Gwendoline
In July, my old school is having a reunion. When I went to boarding school, aged ten, I was very badly bullied by three girls who had the power to get any other girl on their side, simply by saying it should be so. This went on for years.
Now, in order to set the scene, it’s quite important to have a (very) brief overview of why my sisters and I was sent to boarding school in the first place. Our mother was very ill with depression, agoraphobia and addiction to benzodiazepines and was not in a fit state to look after us. Our father had left when I was four and we pretty much had to fend for ourselves. A charity stepped in and paid for us to go away to school as our mother was unable to cope.
I started at the school when I was ten. Sister the First had left the term before and Sister the Second was in the Lower 6th. I was really looking forward to going as it was a beautiful school and I wanted to do what my sisters did. My mother always got hysterical as the end of the holidays approached and would frequently threaten to kill or harm herself if I left her, although my grandmother was still living with us at that time. School, then, was a double edged sword; relief that I was away from home, and worry about how she would cope without me.
Two days before the start of my first term, I fell off my bike and sustained a huge, grazed lump on my forehead. This was not a good way to start and I was teased unmercifully, being called alien and mutant. I was also well spoken, prudish, I didn’t swear or fart, I did as I was told, I was keen on lessons, I couldn’t stand up for myself, I was emotionally vulnerable and I didn’t seem to have much in common with the other girls. My card was marked.
At that time, the school was mostly made up of girls who had suffered misfortune of some kind. The pastoral care wasn’t great and 400 girls in close proximity seemed to develop a pack mentality. Unfortunately I was not in the pack.
Three girls in particular made my life hell, two in my own year and one in the year above and they would incite others to join in. They teased me constantly about the way I spoke and behaved, and suggested that I was always telling tales to my sister. There were no grasses in that school.
They would take and damage my things so I would get into trouble with matron, they put used sanitary towels in my nightdress case, they poured water under the bathroom and toilet doors and watch me just to upset me and then call me a prude for making a fuss. Another favourite game was to grab people and pull their knickers off to see if they were dirty, although I wasn’t the only victim of this charming little pastime.
Once, one of the perpetrators asked me if I would like some of her outgrown clothes as she knew I didn’t have much. I said I would look at them and let her know if I wanted them. She brought in a bagful after exeat but none of it fitted. I told her this but she said that I had promised to take them and give her money. This was not true, but all the girls in my dormitory backed her up and I was made to hand over my entire half term’s pocket money to pay for the clothes.
I had the added problem that I used to sleep walk. The houses had four dormitories with long corridors and I would sometimes waken, curled up in a doorway or on a landing. One night I had been sleepwalking and went back to the wrong bed. I woke up in one of my tormentors’ beds and thought that that she had climbed in with me. I asked her, forcefully, to get out and then realised that it was me who was in the wrong bed. I tried to explain and went back to my own bed.
In the morning, she told the whole dorm that I had tried to get into bed with her and that I was a lesbian. By break time, I had girls all over the school whispering “lesbian!” at me in the corridors. I was twelve and this was just about the worst thing anyone could say to you.
This went on for four years. I used to pray every night that the girls would change schools or die. One did (leave that is), but the other two stayed. In the interests of balance, it wasn’t horrible all the time, I certainly have some happy memories as well and there genuinely were Midnight Feasts and Dorm Raids. There was always that underlying fear that it could all kick off again at any moment.
But when I was fourteen, I met this wonderful girl from a different house, who not only lived near to me at home, but was also really cool and naughty. She smoked and drank and listened to punk and had spiky hair. I actually believe that she saved my life. My whole attitude changed; I discovered charity shop clothes, I changed my make-up, my hair, my music and, almost immediately, the bullying stopped. I had taken myself out of reach.
At the end of 5th Year, the two remaining bullies left (as, sadly, did my naughty chum) and I moved into the 6th form house and made a new set of friends. This is a very truncated version of the story, but you get the picture!
* * * *
In July, my school is having a reunion which is being much discussed on a certain social networking site.
I would like to go with The Boys and show them where I spent eight years of my life.
One of the girls who made my life so miserable has stated that she will be attending.
If I go, how do I respond? I know she remembers me but I wonder what she will remember?
It was more than thirty years ago but at some level I want her to know what she did.
At the same time, my life’s fine, so what does it matter?
She’s probably charming now.
What do you think?
Sounds like a really rough ride. Sorry for your hardship in the past.
It’s a tough call about the reunion. I wouldn’t want to meet up with any old bullies, but you also shouldn’t let them stop you doing anything you want.
I certainly don’t consider myself to be “normal” in my behaviour, but I do have a marked habit (not intended) of forgetting those things which I choose to forget. It is likely that this woman has no real recollection of her bullying, or puts it down to “having a laugh”.
Personally, I would play it by ear, saying nothing unless the subject somehow comes up. At which point, I think it would be entirely appropriate to simply say that you had felt very hurt by their teasing when at school.
You never know – she might have some recollection of being best buddies with you!
I also was a victim of bullying when I went to school although nothing as bad as what you suffered. But, at the same time, I had my share of bullying from my own mother – so I had it on both sides – there was no escape. Luckily, Dad was great, so it wasn’t all bad. The school I went to have never (to the best of my knowledge) had a school reunion – but I think if they ever were to have one, I would go if only to show off to them the woman that I have become, despite them. As it happens, about 10 years after I left school, I happened to be minding my own business in a cafe in the town where I went to school. In walked on of the bullies. She immediately recognised me, and started to speak to me. I interrupted her with a nice polite ‘Why bother to talk to me now? You didn’t want to know me other than to bully me when we were in school’ I think she was a bit taken aback in so much as that I was also a very timid person, respectful & mindful of authority and my elders etc etc – but as I was primarily raised by my Dad, and with everything that went on at home, my head was older than my shoulders – if that makes sense.
So, back to your original dilema – Yes, go to the reumion if you’re able, just to show to them the woman that you have become despite them. If the bullies come over to speak to you – you could do one of two things – pretend that you’ve no idea who they are, and as see what they remember as to how they behaved in school – and correct them if they’re wrong. Or, you could say you remember them, wish you didn’t, and pass some remark that will make them think about what they did. Perhaps ask if they have children, and if they do, ask if their children suffer the same indignatories as you did.
Goodness, what a heart-rending story. I went away to boarding school when I was about 7 1/2, with my older brother, who is 18 months older. I wasn’t bullied, but I was terribly homesick, and would then settle during the term as it progressed, only for the homesickness to return in spades after holidays. I don’t think I am psycologically damaged, but I do have some obsessive traits – wanting to be in control and not suffering fools, and being fastidious about punctuality. The first is of course because I had to fend for myself from a young age, and the second is that it was drummed into us, (almost literally). As to meeting those who bullied you, I don’t think I would seek out the perps, or bring up the subject unless they do. By now you must have learned how to be withering. Be withering with her!
She will probably remember that you 2 were the ‘best of chums’ & deny that she was a bully. This seems to be what happens in most cases. If at all possible I would greet her with a laugh about what a cow she was.
Oh gosh, what a dilemma! I have every sympathy with you as I had a pretty rough ride at school too – but at least I was able to go home at the end of the day to parents who weren’t ill and who were able to be very supportive.
If you want to go, then go. Don’t let the bully continue to influence your life – you have two wonderful boys and you should be able to share your early life with them.
As for whether to say anything to the bully, it seems to me that there are three likely scenarios:
1) The bully views the world through rose-tinted glasses and, if she remembers her behaviour at all, simply puts it down to ‘japes’ and ‘pranks’.
2) The bully remembers exactly what she did and is deeply ashamed of her behaviour.
3) The bully is still a very nasty piece of work and couldn’t give a damn about the impact of her behaviour.
Now, if it’s option one, I’m afraid to say that you’ve got a cat’s hope in hell of getting through to her: people who re-write their past are highly unlikely to hear anything that doesn’t fit in with their rosy view of the world. If it’s option three, then she won’t give a damn whatever you say and may even try to belittle you if you do say anything. And if it’s option 2, then just hte fact that you’re there looking very glamorous with your two wonderful boys will be enough of a reproach. You don’t need to *say* anything (unless, of course, she trys to apologise – in which case a simple ‘thank you. Your behaviour *was* extremely hurtful but I’m glad that you’ve moved on’ will suffice).
,
English Rose has taken the words right out of my fingers, so to speak; I was bullied to a certain extent at school too, although I could go home at the end of the day to escape.
Your bully will probably have no recollection of it or have any comprehension of how her and her cronies actions impacted upon you – that’s just the way bullies are -self-centerd cowards.
I would say go and share the days with your boys. If the bully does recognise you, I would say words to the effect of either “No, I don’t remember you” and blank her if you don’t want to confront her, or if you do tackle her full on and say “Yes, I do remember you and I’m so thankful my children are well adjusted individuals and nothing like the vicious and cowardly bully that you were at that age” and walk off.
Good luck WH in whatever action you decide.
I’m with Vintage Knitter! To act towards her as though nothing happened would, if it was me, make me feel as though I had been making a fuss about nothing. She may be charming now, and you might feel as though the cloud of those past experiences thins with seeing her face to face, but even glimpsing her in the distance could stir up some very unwelcome feelings. Also you don’t want to spend the whole time looking out for her.
I agree that she should not be able to affect what you want to do now and you could well have a wonderful afternoon. However, sometimes re-stimulated feelings can have an unexpected effect and remember, you would have The Boys with you. It could be a very good experience but, I would think carefully about what would be gained by going and taking The Boys or not. Maybe you could go on a different day to show The Boys your school – or get Sisters the First and/or Second to go with you.
Good luck!
I am wary of commenting here, as I think you may find my advice unhelpful, but my husband still suffers from nightmares 30 years plus after being bullied at school: so I do most truly sympathise.
I firmly believe that you should hook into your past for strength, but that you should NEVER let your past hook into you. I also believe that the bullies in question will have very clear memories of the torment that they put you through, regardless of them having ‘rewritten their histories’ to make themselves feel less guilty than they actually are.
If you decide to go be polite, but make it clear that you remember your tormentors actions, but have not let them blight your life. If they either instigate a conversation or greet you effusively (which happened to my husband when we met his two ‘demons’ unexpectedly when holidaying) simply say, as he did “Oh, yes, I do remember you, however I have no desire to either renew the aquaintance or to spend any more time with either of you.” Then turn around and walk away.
I would be wary of taking The Boys though. When we met the two bullies who made my husbands life hell the aftermath of the surge of fury and rage that I experienced was very difficult to deal with. (luckily there were no blunt instruments close to my hand:-)) Children are both sensitive and perceptive, and they may not be emotionally mature enough to be able to cope with the unresolved emotions in this situation.
I hope that you don’t find my advice intrusive, and I do hope that you are able to resolve this to your own satisfaction.
Welcome Babz and thank you for your helpful comments. You make a valid point that sometimes, having dealt with adversity on all fronts, one is able to deal with things better. I do hope you keep reading.
Get your hair done, set of nails, put on your best clobber & hire an expensive car.
When you meet the bully tell her you made an absolute fortune by writing several best-selling books on how to cope with bullying and thank her for her assistance in finding your life’s purpose.
Or, just smack her one.
O.S.M. B:53
I totally agree with Oddny, I too am a victim of a bully but not a school bully something different a workplace bully, but this particular bully went to a boarding school, so I came to the conclusion he was either bullied was the bully I suspect the later. So be very careful I don’t think bullies change.
Julie xxxxxxx
In general, I wouldn’t attend an event like that for all the gin in Bombay. But if you have to, I’d wait until she goes to the loo, follow her in and flood the place with water. Then laugh and say “Didn’t we have fun doing things like that?”
Then I’d do what Spaceman says: smack her one.
Your past does shape your future so even though it was awful, it was a lesson in life which has made you a better person.
You will look fabulous and if the bullies bring the matter up, you should smile warmly and as genuinely as possible thank them for their part in transforming you into a resilient, independent, confident and happy adult!
This will confound and perplex the perpetrators and keep your integrity intact.
When I thanked the mistress of my husband for her part in taking him away from our family, I did it quietly (because we were in the school playground) and firmly with a smile and said she had done me a huge favour because now I could have a better life without his lies and she had to take it all on! I shall never forget her face.
Good luck!
I suppose I’m very lucky in that I have no memory of being seriously bullied at school (nor – unless my mind is playing tricks on me – being a bully). In fact, I have no very intense memories of the place at all, though I have no complaints about it.
On the other hand, I’ve always avoided going to any sort of reunion because I think I would find it disturbing to meet a lot of people that I haven’t set eyes on for over thirty years all at once (the passage of time and so on …)
Where I have met people again after a long period of time I usually find that I feel as though I’m meeting a completely different person and that whatever kind of emotional charge used to be attached to that person has somehow dissipated – and it’s possible that, if you were to meet this woman again, you would feel the same way about her (but, as I say, I don’t have the same kind of memories that you have).
But, if you really want to go, I shouldn’t let the prospect of meeting her put you off. Perhaps it might help if you knew that there were going to be people there that you did get on with and who you could make contact with before the event?
Give her both barrels, the fucking bitch. We should all reach out more and try to connect.
This is a tough one. I was raised in the south of England and apparently when I was younger people used to comment to my parents about how well spoken I was. In my teens we moved to the Birkenhead area and my “proper” accent caused me to be bullied and teased. Self preservation made me pick up the Scouse accent PDQ!! Even if I still lived in the area (I’m in Canada now) I would never attend a reunion there.
It’s hard to give advise, but I do have to say that if you take your boys they will be witness to whatever you decide, and your words and actions will be lessons for them that they will remember. Personally I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of letting them know the impact they had on my life. I don’t have any doubt that you’ll do the right thing for you and for your boys.
Wow – what a fantastic bunch of people you are and what sensible advice. It does make you realise that it happens to a lot of people and not just as children. I actually thought that I’d let go of it emotionally and it’s disconcerting to find that, when the possibility of facing one of those girls arises, the feelings are still there. I have talked about it with the boys, particularly Boy the Elder as he has been subjected to bullying himself and we spent a lot of time working out how he should tackle it. I suppose this is where experience is never wasted – it gives you the empathy to help someone else.
So many of our experiences have resonance with other people and my heart goes out to all you have who have felt lonely or lost at any time in your lives. I believe that we deal with the side effects when it becomes appropriate to do so and we construct coping mechanisms that allow us to to move forward or, at least, to defend ourselves. It takes courage and for all of you who have had such experiences, give yourselves a giant pat on the back for being marvelous. xx
I’ve got a few months to decide whether to go but, in a way, now that it’s come up, I feel the need to tackle it head on. I shall discuss it with my Sisters and decide nearer the time. You will get a report!
Try this for inspiration…..
http://www.sportsgrid.com/media/video-of-bully-victim-body-slamming-his-antagonizer-goes-viral-media-firestorm-clouds-form/
Affer: This was uncomforable to watch and, reading the accompanying text, seems to be the way things are going. Bully picks on person, person retaliates, person is punished, bully claims to be a victim. Same things happens with burglaries and muggings.
Schools have to be more aware of bullying and parents need to be able to talk with their children about it. The difficulty is finding balance. Children need to learn to stick up for themselves but that will only come about if they have back-up from home to teach them how to manage people and for the parent to intervene when necessary.
Do you remember thast incident last year when a dinner lady told a child’s parents about bullying? Read my article here: http://wartimehousewife.wordpress.com/2009/09/24/the-tale-of-the-bullies-the-dinner-lady-and-the-paranoid-school
I’m with Ron Combo on this, as you might imagine. Or, you could use your contacts to get in touch with Harrison Ford, who I believe came to your school filming a Spielberg movie. Arrive with him on your arm, both of you laughing intimately and you just walking about with two fingers in the air, not looking at anybody in particular. Yours, Marjorie Proops.
My childhood was similar to yours, my mother had a mental illness and my father couldn’t cope with the children. I was given an assisted place at a boarding school too. I was bullied relentlessly and suffered anguish. I’m now in my 60′s and whilst I tell myself it’s all in the past and not a part of my happy life it does resurface from time to time (as now for instance.)
I am firmly of the opinion that the bullies will not have forgotten their actions. About 6 years ago I met one of the main bullies by chance and was able to ask her why she had been so horrible to me. She blustered at first and said oh it was only a lighthearted joke, part of school life. When I told her that no it wasn’t lighthearted and it was deeply hurtful she was embarrassed and ashamed and apologised. She couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I felt exhilarated.
I hope you won’t let your past stop you from attending the reunion if you want to go, otherwise you’re letting those bullies still have control over you.
Attend the reunion and see what happens on the day, a chance to make a comment may arise or may not. Sometimes it’s best not to plan too much in your head or you can end up disappointed.
Good luck.
Jan
Gosh Jan, we do seem to have had similar experiences. Well done you for facing up to her. It’s interesting isn’t it, how small things can trigger a memory that you haven’t thought of for years. I find that smells do the same thing; give me a whiff of wood floor polish and I’m back in 1975 before you can say ‘parquet’!
Peter: You’re right – parts of Raiders of the Lost Ark were filmed there. I shall ring Harrison at once, I’m sure he’ll be free.
I don’t know if Sister the First is planning to go, but I’m afraid I won’t be. Having been back a couple of times, I have made the decision not to attend any more reunions at the school, because it brings back too many bad memories of not only the school but childhood in general. I was also bullied at that school, although at the time I didn’t think of it as such – I just thought I was having a s**t life. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone and didn’t think anyone would do anything anyway. I used to long to go home for the holidays, but then the holidays were no better, just the bullying was not there.
In both WH and my situations, the school cannot have been unaware of the situation, but none of the staff ever did anything to help. I recently found an old school report in which our housemistress had written ” —- could do much better in her work if she wasn’t so unhappy”. So why didn’t she do anything about it?
I think people are so much more aware of bullying nowadays, although that doesn’t stop it happening.
With regards to seeing the offending (and offensive) girl, if there are a lot of people there, there is a good chance that you may not see her anyway. However, if you do see her and if you think you can do it calmly without getting emotional, I do think you should face up to her, tell her that she made your life hell, then turn your back on her and walk away head held high. No matter if she is a reformed character, with Mother Theresa as her role model, you are a better person than she could ever be.
Oh and take your hockey stick !
Interestingly, Sister the First said that she had no idea that I had been bullied, and I had no idea that you had, or about that comment on your report. It actually makes me really angry and I am SO glad that my and STheFs boys have us behind them.
As long as people are different, there will always be bullying from both children and adults. What we have to do is to engender environenments where people can talk about it and learn how to deal with those people so they don’t become victims. As Vintage Knitter and others said, bullies are always cowards and often very unhappy themselves. There’s also a reasonable chance that
THEY have been bullied and this is their response. The problem is, that if bullied people don’t tackle the situation at some time in their lives, the bahaviour will carry on and they will continue to be bullied in adult life as well. That was certainly the case for me and, although I was always really good at standing up for other people, deep down I always felt that I MUST be in the wrong when, for example, employers treatwed me badly.
I’m not like that now!
Dear Chum,
All I can say is pretty much ‘ditto’ to school experiances even down to the violent depressed psychotic mother.
So glam up, highest heels and knock them dead. If you want a partner in crime I will hold your hand. I can bring the Rolls and hell, do you need to go shopping? I understand Balenciaga has a sale on, my treat.
ps I can also jive and two Phd’s never fail to impress
Andy
In essence ‘out the bitches’ .
lets print cards and leave them on all the car wind screens, would be so nice for their families to know there true nature!
Andy
Give away t-shirts could be a great plus as well in a goody bag for all those who attend
So sorry you had to go through all that WTH
No wisdom on the decision front, but praying you make the right one.
A xx (back to blogging after a longish break!)
Oh yes how smells can trigger memories. I have a bar of carbolic soap in a plastic bag under the sink, it’s been there for years. I’ve kept it purely for the memory it triggers of boarding school – we were made to wash our hair in carbolic soap. A whiff of it when I’m cleaning out the cupboard (not very often!) takes me immediately back to the school washroom. Then the torture afterwards of trying to comb through long hair with a nit comb. No conditioner in those days. Why do I keep it? I don’t know, I don’t have any good memories of those days. I can’t part with it though. One of those childhood reminders that can’t be tossed away.
Thanks for the welcome. I’ve been following the comments added to your dilema – and it has surprised me that there are a lot of people of ‘our age group’ (as in all of us have left school years ago) that have suffered some kind of bullying at the hand of others.
Jan and a few others mentioned about smells triggering off memories – on a lighter note – there are a few happy smells that always trigger off great memories of my childhood and help me to relax. One that comes to mind is a dog – and as daft as it sounds, the smell behind a dogs ears. It probably sounds strange but it brings back happy days of when I grew up on the farm, and the farm dog was my best friend, play mate, and baby sitter. With my own dogs, I can happily stretch out on the sofa, with one dog curled up in the bend of my legs, and the other snuggled in by my chest, and I’d be asleep within seconds.
I think you should go. Don’t give them another victory. I too was bullied usually on the way to and from school by the same girl for 3 years. I had very supportive parents. The school refused to do anything because it wasn’t at school. The girl’s mother thought it was cute behaviour on her daughter’s part (she was later bullied out of her home by the same cute behaviour).
Before you go read the book by Barbara Coloroso ‘The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander.’ It really helped me deal with my emotions about that time. But the moment that I realy felt that I was the better person was when I returned for a visit in the old neighbourhood and the mother of one my friends told the how the bully had tried to bully them on planning decision and they felt they could standup to her because they remember how I had stood up to her.
Go! Show your boys your school and show off your lovely boys. If the bullies are there show that you are the better person. Enjoy meeting your other old friends.
Thanks Penny – what a crew we are? We’re all fab now though! I will have a look at that book , it sounds very interesting. I’ve just had an e-chat with my formerly punky friend from school and she’s going to come as well. Hurray. Good to hear from you. x
This story makes me so mad. Kindness should be taught by parents to children through their own attitudes and behavior, and bullying should never be tolerated. Will true bullies ever “grow out” of their meanness? These women should know how their behavior affected you.
Welcome Dana. What has interested me is how many people have had similar experiences, and they’re just the ones who have commented on this blog. You’re absolutely right about behaviour s originating at home. At my school a lot of the children came from difficult families so maybe that insecurity manifested itself in an aggressive way, dog-eat-dog way. I know from experience with my own son that bullying in schools is often not faced head-on or else they are so conscious of it that behaviour that is not bullying at all is labelled as such. It’s a difficult balance because we all have to learn to stand up for ourselves and face problems, but as children, we need guidance to do that. I don’t think that bullies learn to change unless someone tells them to stop and helps them to deal with their own insecurities. Thanks for your comment and I hope you keep reading.
I am sorry you had such a hard time. Very brave of you to share it.
Something similar happened to my husband when he was at school. Years later he saw the main perpetrator and the ex bully acted as though nothing had ever happened. I suspect that people like that have no idea of the impact they have, and probably still don’t. I’d you want to raise it though, then do so – but be prepared for her to not react well to it. She would probably dismiss it – afterall that is what will make her feel better, to pretend it was a joke and not acknowledge that it was mean, hurtful and wrong. Be strong xx
I too was bullied to and from school – eventually a neighbour told my mother and she contacted the school. The teacher ‘had a word’ with the girls and told me not to be so sensitive! Years later I was on a bus with my baby on the way to visit my mother and the leader of the ‘gang’ boarded. She immediately recognized me and made a bee-line for my seat. My stomach did a flop and I tensed. She greeted me like a long-lost friend and said how lovely it was to see me again after all these years. She enthused over my baby and asked about my life and treated me as if we had been the best of pals. I came to the conclusion that she had no idea the hell she had put me through. Do kids realize that they are bullies? Why do they do it?
How do they feel when they are bullying someone – does it give them some sort of high?
Welcome JuneMcCabe. I think that children who bully feel powerless and insecure in themselves and try to seize that power by intimidating other children. They rarely operate alone – they always have back-up and draw other people in against a single children or very small number of children. But, as you say, It’s extraordinary how they can apparently have no idea of the effect that they have. Perhaps they change their memory of the behaviour to suit their version of events. Funnily enough, that is the thing that worries me about meeting this girl at the school reunion – what if she too treats me as though we were the best of friends? I will put her right either way!
I find it astonishing how many of us have had experience of bullying – thank goodness we all turned out so super! x
fascinating post, tho sorry to read of such problems.
bullies are garbage, this thing of them being ‘nice’ years later is because they are still playing a game. i tend to remember bullies as coming from shit homes, they know they are thick and destined fr a shit life. i think they reflect the garbage banter heard in their own homes. mine was a very quiet home, but unfortuanely moved around, third school by seven where I was basically ceasing to speak with children.
i sympathise so much with what you say, i had the curse of no role models, no idea of how to ‘banter’ and throw speech to and fro, a sort of tonguetiedness, to a certain extent socially crippled, … my eyes showed fear and i wish now i had been able to knock seven colours out of them pronto!! actually, having an alpha tendency dog with his near autistic behaviour has helped me a great deal to adopt the silly posturing that i shld have had at age seven or fifteen to keep the garbage at bay. i was lucky in that i was clever and could absorb myself in my own world of learning and doing stuff when away from school (day only) and studied and had skills way above my peer group.
to get back to go to the re-union, never never never, the past has gone, its dead, all the molecules have dispersed. live for now and the future, build, develop.
good luck in whatever you do.
Welcome Richard and thank you for your inciteful comments. I have found it amazine how many people have been affected by bullying both as children and as grown-ups and, ultimately, we all have to find our own strategies for dealing with it. I still find it harder to fight my own battles than those of other people, but I definitely improve with age on that one! I do hope you keep reading and look forward to hearing from you again.
hello, thats really good of you to respond is such a nice manner, i agree with such a lot that you say here.
and please ….. remember to keep all your string for re-use later !!
actualy re the bullying thing…. i was utterly useless when younger at knowing what to do, my brain would freeze, i had no role model, no ‘training’ at such base and vulgar behaviour.
however what i tell ppl now if the subject ever arises is to ‘push back to them’ literally, physically any crap that you get …. never allow anyone to make you take on board such nonsense. having a nutcase brother in law as well as a very difficult near autistic alpha dog has taught me quite a lot. look ‘em in the eye, do not blink, turn up the volume, get right in their face, speak slowly and deliberately …. its all bluster really but its amazing the effect i can have !!
….. and so far no-one has beaten me up !!
I can’t believe its me writing this !!
Richard: It’s a good feeling when we take a step back and realise how well we’re doing, isn’t it? Lack of self confidence is a crippling thing and it takes a while to realise that everyone is bluffing one way or another. My children think I’m completely awesome and utterly invincible because that is the face they often see, although I’m often jelly-like inside – just hope the confidence rubs off.
I’m very curious about your ‘nearly-autistic alpha dog’. Do please tell us more!
Yep, its a shame we have to display such strength and sometimes near aggression, but if thats what the situation demands etc.
The avatar above is at nine months and the first and last time we ever get him a bone. No bones, no meat, low protein feed and masses of hierachy (do not hit) and cod liver oil fr brain function. Thereby we impose hierachy, not him.
I am glad you have raised the matter of Mr McNut… the well known ‘nut’. The first two years with Smud (born Nov 2005) were hell. he wld not allow himself to be touched, didn’t know how to play and was endlessly repetitive. Then the penny clicked at about a year, nuts off at six months and he was still crazy. this little bundle of energy thinks only in terms of pack hierachy, theres very little love, devotion perhaps and the need for a hierachy but thats all. If I act the fool he can quickly go for me and is totallydifferent from the first beagle from the same breeder. As is the classic cause of autistic tendency his mother was absent, ie born by caesarian and when he came to us at eight weeks was utter hell. By say nine months the penny clicked that the autistic template fit.
I’ll copy and paste from stuff I’ve written before ……
Dec 2009 ….
He even shows signs of affection or desiring my company …. other than for biting and trying to re-arrange the hierachy we impose. Its taken four years, the first two were hell, a bundle of trouble from mrs Anderson. The method is low protein feed, cod liver oil for brain function and operate a strict hierachy, ie no meat, no bones (to be possessive abt) he eats last, is last thro doors, no eye contact when first arriving back or entering a room …. much like the subtle signals of human hierachy. He must come to me and we never use silly excessive praise…. he’s a dog goddammit!! We regard him as autistic, the template fits, yet its probably down to being bred from too old a bitch, we don’t think she was around to exercise all those little checks and corrections that she should have …. so we got the result. Other points are that in my opinion beagles make bad house pets and can NEVER be left on their own…. EVER. Get something easy like a rottweiler. He is lucky to be with us, some owners would have hit him and that would make matters worse, once you go down that road with a dog like this and his easrly background he will be fixed in his aggression and defending posture. The real alpha doesn’t need to resort to mindless violence or ott behaviour. The communication among dogs is far more subtle than most humans realise. I can accomplish a lot with small gentle noises, not even human words.
Actually theres lots, heres a link … http://kllrchrd.livejournal.com/tag/beagle%20training
Thanks for asking about him, theres lots of good points, he does well at the workshop and is great company in the countryside, its just that evenings at home (meal preperation) and he is very tricky.
I’d forgotten to mention that a big component of this dogs behaviour revolves around who will walk forward when we engage/ meet, mostly here at the house. I tell the children up on the estate here that its always the bully that says “You come here” and that if they encounter such idiocy tell them straight back “No, you come here”, its this turning the tables that will completely ‘throw’ the bully and particularly belittle them in front of their cronies. Peculier how difficult dogs and bullies are so alike.
He is very strong on not walking forward to me, I think it took till year four till he wld walk to me in the hallway or kitchen, the latter place being a very powerful location to him, food etc. He will walk towards me now, but it is achingly slow, the most deliberate and i can see for him painful steps. I have to be loud and stern otherwise nothing happens. Of course, if we had food in our fingers he would race forward, but we don’t do that. Its all different when out of the house, he does my bidding, his response to ‘left’ and ‘right’ and ‘this way here’ is near ‘collie dog perfect’.
Theres lots of little telling detail with him, unlike our first beagle he will never sit on my wifes knee, very independant. And we still can have hell here as he demands food or tries to set the agenda.
Bullying is a horrible thing and you’ve obviously had a hard time. More so than many, I’d suspect. Having been the victim of bullying myself (for being tall… I mean, go figure, right?), I read your piece and had a thought about how I would handle a reunion and confronting the people who made what could be an otherwise pleasurable experience, in to one of fear and loathing (and not in Las Vegas).
I came to the conclusion that, whilst my perpetrators were horrid people, they were also kids. Kids have such a magnificent ability to be utter bastards to one another, it’s a surprise we actually make it in to adulthood.
I’d like to think that if I met them and they were normal, decent human beings – that I would have the quality of character to see them as their “new” selves. Who knows what was going on in the lives of your tormentors? Drunk, violent step-dads, or Ether-inhaling vapid mothers? At the end of the day, everyone has their own lives to lead and we have our own path. It doesn’t forgive their behaviour but perhaps we can put reason in there somewhere.
If of course, your detractors are still horrid little shits, then by all means take them outside promising a hug and put ‘em in hospital. Fair’s fair.
Welcome Ben. I had another friend who was 6’4,his brothers 6’5 and 6’6. They were both bullied at school because their classmates would see if they could ‘have a go’ at the Faulkner Boys. The Faulkner Boys were gentle giants unfortunately and got beaten up a lot. And you’re quite right; you never know what people’s backgrounds are, but plenty of people have crappy home lives and don’t become bullies so I suspect that that element of their character is in-built. Saying that, one should always be prepared to see the best in people but, as you rightly point out, revenge can be a dish best served cold for 30 years.